I am on my moped at the front of the traffic lights, pulling up to a silver executive saloon so I can tap tap on the driver’s window. He lowers it and looks at me with a mix of annoyance and enquiry.

Excuse me, I say with winning smile. It seems your indicators are not working. He checks them. Yes, they are working … he looks puzzled. Well next time, can you use them before you pull out into the road without looking and almost put someone like me in hospital? Thank you so much. I nod appreciatively and on the green light, leave him standing. Or sitting. Certainly, not quick off the mark at moving on.

This is The Riders Code of Etiquette; no shouting or swearing or unfeminine hand gestures. For I have learned over the years that this gets one into trouble.

Once upon a time, I was almost knocked off my bike when a driver changed his mind about turning right and without warning turned left. His car clipped my moped; I swore, made a rude hand gesture and hurled at him a name associated with onanism. The face of this rather muscular gentleman became impressively red; I rode on, only to find he had taken chase. I accelerated – not easy on a 50cc restricted to 30mph – escaping into a pedestrianised housing estate. Reader, I have changed my ways and now employ calm words to wage this particular war.

On my pushbike some years ago, an impressively well-upholstered lady driver pulled alongside, lowered her passenger window and issued a stream of loud, foul invective about bicycle riders generally – I had done nothing untoward. Somewhat affronted, I calmly pointed out very politely that if she did more of this she may not look so like that. Cruel, but when faced with such unprompted, insulting and unprepossessing behaviour … fair.

Another day, another set of lights. This time a car drew up behind and nudged my moped again and again, pushing me dangerously off-balance. I turned and raised my hands and eyebrows enquiringly. Another lowered window another stream of invective …  MOVE OVER! YOU’RE IN MY WAY!

Other encounters can be more entertaining … and how these are dealt with influences what happens next, for men can become threatening if advances are rudely rejected, however insulting their comment:

Lucky saddle! provoked a gale of laughter from me, leaving the gentleman concerned oddly disappointed.

You look great on that, darling. Would you like to ride me? I asked the (much younger) enquirer if he always hit on 60-year-old grandmothers. He apologised profusely, whilst bowing and backing away.

From a Pimlico Plumber: You look sexy on that moped, darling. If I wasn’t working, I’d ask you out for a drink. I smiled, if I wasn’t married, I might even accept. The look of confusion accompanied by the buzz of a rapidly closing window was most satisfying.

My favourite by a long way still makes me smile:

I do hope you’re behaving yourself,  from a deep and gravelly voice. I looked up at the lorry beside me to find the smiling face and crinkly eyes of Trucking World’s Robert Redford. I smiled back: now why would I want to do that? He laughed, I laughed and we both wended our happy way.

Lesson one: if fanning a fight, pick someone your own size.
Lesson two: the passive aggressive approach is profoundly persuasive
Lesson three: polite observation when alluding to another’s bad driving cannot be faulted
Lesson four: the receiving of abuse or sinister suggestion can be dealt with calmly
Lesson five: a bit of mild old-fashioned, polite flirting can lift one’s spirits.

Here’s to you, Robert Redford.

© Giovanna Forte 2024